ADOPTION

When I was in grade school, I asked my mom if I was adopted. She was quite taken aback by this, and rushed to show me my birth certificate and newspaper clipping, proving that biologically, I was theirs! My best friend was adopted as a baby. We met when we were 5 years old and are best friends to this very day! I have never since that day to this, thought of my friend as having a different kind of parent, or being loved less, or more insecure, any of those things! Later in life, I have had other friends who were also adopted. One of my cousins adopted 2 children, then she had a biological child. Have you ever heard anyone say that someone "adopted 2 or 3 children, then had a surprise one of her own?" What were the other 2 or 3...not her own?

This article started as a follow-up on an article written by one of my daughters who has adopted 2 children from C*hina. In 2005, she and her husband had 3 biological children, ages 17, 15 and 12. They adopted a 10 month old daughter. In 2007, they adopted a 28 month old son. So now, the parents are ages 42 and 44, and the kids are 21, 18, 16, 4 and 4! (They also took in an exchange student from So. K*orea for the current school year!)

When I first held each of my 11 grandchildren, there was not one speck of difference in my love for any of them. That says it all...no further words or explanation necessary.

Has there been a difference for those two little children? Yes. There are needs not found in a newborn you have given birth to, loved, bonded with, met needs for and built a home of security for. Most adopted children from third world countries had a life before becoming our family member. The best I can do here is present you with a word picture: imagine your 2 year old, taken by you, to a strange building many miles from home, carried into an office-like room with many strangers and other little children, most crying or screaming, many faces not looking like yours and speaking words not understandable. At some point, the child is "handed over" by you and you quickly leave the room. Do you think that 2 year old is grateful and realizes how much they have been longed for and how much they have been loved before they were seen? No! Most react with screaming, kicking, biting, absolute terror! Our precious God begins to quiet these little ones, but as with us, it is a process. There are many sites and books that would give you insight into these children's lives, before and after. One book I recently read, "Silent Tears" by Kay Bratt, was definitely a worthwhile read.

James 1:26, 27: If anyone thinks he is religious, without controlling his tongue but deceiving his heart, his religion is useless. Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world. (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

This article has come about due to some painful experiences by many who have adopted children, particularly those who have been older and from other countries. Most newborns in other countries are not allowed to be adopted until they are older, although this is not true in all countries. Much can happen in the early months and years of a child. Many adopting parents are "older" parents, meaning 30+ and 40+. Socially, life changes as well, as they are now new parents of infants and toddlers. Their friends are parents of middle-school, high school or college aged kids. Other parents with very young children are usually 20+. Suddenly, you are in "The Gap"! You don't quite fit in with very young first-time parents, and your old friends may begin to find you a bit tedious! Oh yes, and that can be vocalized in uncaring ways, even though not meant to be mean-spirited. I have witnessed attitudes that are completely heart-breaking. There is as much excitement over adopting a child as there is giving birth, admittedly in a different way, but the anticipation is the same in your loving heart! To not have your child greeted or welcomed, visited, oohed and aahed over, is extremely hurtful. To walk into a room of young mom's with your new child, to only be told hi and glanced at, and left standing there, is very awkward and very mean...sort of like high school days. These mom's with their new children, HAVE to devote countless hours, days, months, to bond with them. To reassure them that they are loved and not going to be sent away yet again. A few months ago, it was mentioned that when J*, the student from So K*orea would go back to K*orea, 2 sets of 4 year old ears perked right up! They asked a question..."do we go back to China?" Their eyes were big and a bit frightened and confused...perhaps startled would be a better description. They carefully listened to the explanation given, and sighed with relief and understanding that they would not be sent away from their family!

I just want to caution each of you in guarding your tongue with comments to other mom's. This includes those who continue to have biological children as well. Your opinion as to whether or not someone else should not have more children, whether biologically or through adoption is not only tactless and none of your business, but painful. Listen to some remarks made by "friends"..."Am sure glad it's you and not me!" (They are glad as well.) "Wow, why would you want more kids when your others are nearly grown...time now for you and your husband!" (They have always made time for their husbnad, why haven't you?) "I don't agree with adopting outside of our own country...there's so many kids here." (There are lots of kids "over there" too! God loves them all and they all need homes.) "I'd go crazy staying at home with little kids at this age...it's time for me now!" (Well, just go and have the time of your life!) These are just samples of some remarks. But probably the worst is no remark of any kind...absolute silence...no phone ringing, no knock at the door, no nothing! Can get pretty lonely, although it wouldn't be traded for anything and would be done over again if given the choice!

So, it's the old "competition" mode for some:
two kids v. four or more kids
stay-at-home mom v. working mom
home-schooled v. public school
Christian school v. public or private school
breast-feeding v. bottle
blah blah v. blah blah, and the list goes on!

Who cares?! If it works for you and it's how you are led, why would someone else's opinion matter? We were recently out with several other couples our age, and one of the men said, "I just can't believe some people home-school their kids! All of them turn out weird!" I just stared at him and said, "That's not even a true statement! I've been around home-schooled kids who are delightful, intelligent, trustworthy, as well as some that had low morals and didn't learn much. I've also been around public, Christian and private schooled kids who are exactly the same...delightful, intelligent, trustworthy, as well as low morals and didn't learn much!" Who cares! If it works for you, do it, and leave everyone else alone!

If you want to stay at home and raise your kids...making them your ministry...do it! God will definitely bless that choice! If you can't stand to stay home, or can't afford to stay home, then go to work, and do the best you can in both worlds! It's nobody's business. Do it, if it works for you and your family. Sometimes, there's not a choice.

If you don't want to have children, then don't! If you want to have 15 kids, then do it! Who cares and whose business is it anyway? Okay, some will say but then the government has to end up supporting some of these kids. So what?! The government supports lots of "things" we're not in favor of. Always has, always will.

So, be kind to one another and love one another. If you're too busy to be a friend, I feel sorry for you!

If God's word says to look after orphans and widows, I consider this to be a church ministry. It should be valued and supported as much as any other ministry. So, blessings to all of you who reach out to embrace God's children...